


The Young and Often Spring You Gave

by radiodurans



Series: The Sand Dunes [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe: 60s Band, Band Infighting, Copious Flag Waving, F/M, In which One Direction are not the Beach Boys except yes they are ❤️, M/M, Metafiction, Nonbinary Harry Styles, Period Typical Homophobia, Period Typical Transphobia, Queer Themes, Referenced Hallucinogen Use, song analysis, ‘Pet Sounds but make it queer’ is the energy we’re bringing into 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:41:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25929796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radiodurans/pseuds/radiodurans
Summary: Pretty (I See You) is not devoid of ambiguity, the queer ‘je ne sais quoi’ at the heart of many of H’s songs with the Sand Dunes. The narrator becomes fixated on their lover, amazed by the fluidity and grace of femininity. Feminine imagery pervades the text - the draw of a ‘sweet summer dress,’ the ‘scent of a daisy behind your ear,’ the distant longing of ‘pretty. . .I see you.’ One does not sense the girl as an object of desire in and of herself. Rather, it is what makes up the girl that has the narrator so entranced.OrH. Styles writes a queerPet Sounds. His bandmates take it as well as you’d expect in 1965.
Relationships: Harry Styles & Louis Tomlinson, Mitch Rowland/Harry Styles, Sarah Jones/Harry Styles, Sarah Jones/Mitch Rowland, Sarah Jones/Mitch Rowland/Harry Styles
Series: The Sand Dunes [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1881835
Comments: 10
Kudos: 20





	The Young and Often Spring You Gave

**Author's Note:**

> SO.
> 
> In various forms, I’ve been working on this piece for a year. Originally a concept for original fiction, I found it much better suited to Harry Styles. It was then totally reshaped and rewritten. This story means a lot to me and I’m nervous to put it out in the world but I really feel driven to share it because I think some trans people might need it right now.
> 
> A few notes before we begin.  
> -The piece starts in first person because it is written as an album analysis but it does not remain that way for most of the piece. I say this in case it throws you off - I think the intro and conclusion round out the piece but you are certainly welcome to read the song analyses as self-contained.  
> -All content warnings are tagged. If I missed anything let me know.
> 
> If you are trans and you are reading this, I love you.
> 
> See endnotes for corresponding playlist and some citations on writing about music.
> 
> This work is intended to be read after part one of the series but works without it.
> 
> Title from ‘Surf’s Up’ by the Beach Boys.

Kris McDonnell on The Sand Dunes

33 1/3 #111: _Light_

**The Songs**

I first encountered _Light –_ the _real_ _Light_ – in the halcyon days of CHASMN’s ‘Roses and Thorns’ tour. Not that I could afford to go – I was living in small-town America with nary a CHASMN concert in sight. Rather, I was introduced to _Light_ on videotape in my now ex-girlfriend’s basement. Jen and I spent a lot of time there that summer, trading kisses and lip gloss and gossip about everything queer I had never known. Someone had handed her the videotape at a local flea market alongside some healing crystals and a lesbian Kama Sutra. I remember the tape was warm from her hand when I took it from her to read the label up close.

_Light: Uncensored. CHASMN. Madison, Wisconsin. 8/11/91._

_Uncensored_. My girlfriend had brought home porn before from that flea market, but it seemed strange that she might bring home porn that was marked with the date and location. The quizzical look I must have given her thankfully inspired her to fill in the gaps for me.

“CHASMN is H - Styles’ band. You know, the guy who used to be in The Sand Dunes.”

I couldn’t visualize what the band looked like in my mind, but I nodded as though I totally understood. Jen took the tape from me and slipped it into the VCR. Together, we watched _Light_.

Since then, _Light: Uncensored_ has become widely available on the internet. Nowadays, queer teens and twenty-somethings don’t need their own Jen to hand-deliver H’s secrets to them. YouTube’s algorithm feeds them hundreds of hours of old CHASMN footage alongside detailed lyrical analysis of _Light’s_ songs. Fifty years after _Light’_ s release, the album inspires debate over its meaning as intense as if it were released yesterday.

When I first proposed writing about _Light_ , I told the folks at Continuum that I was disinterested in countering any personal meaning fans have found in this music. Nevertheless, conducting my own personal interviews and archival research has imbibed these songs with deeper meaning for myself and the queer people in my life. Here, I intend to present _Light_ the way that I now see it – without claiming that it is the way that _Light_ should be seen.

This claim comes with a single exception. While numerous cisgender and heterosexual reporters as well as old friends and colleagues have continued to refer to H as ‘Harry’ up until the present day, there is a clear and gendered delineation between ‘Harry’ and ‘H’ beginning in 2005. Though H has never made any formal statement on the matter, a preference for this chosen name has consistently been made clear in a variety of subtextual ways, some of which will be discussed here. Out of respect for H’s obvious wishes, all direct quotes that use his birth name will be denoted with a dash. 

Otherwise, consider all of this an optional detour in your own queer journey.

**Seeking Some Sunshine**

_Light_ opens with ‘Seeking Some Sunshine,’ a track that hearkens back to the bands’ roots on the west coast. Here, H Styles continues his mission to breathe life into the iconic all-American image of California. This ever-present delight with the state stems from his parents’ immigration there from the U.K. in 1950, when H was eight years old. H, the perpetual outsider looking in, adores everything he sees.

The influence of the Los Angeles music scene cannot be understated. Here - a taste of _Be My Baby_ with liberal usage of castanets. There - a call back to their origins as car enthusiasts - _I was directionless on route 66._ Yet there is something unmistakably _new_ , an addition to the canon as well as a reflection upon it. H and co. know that you know the California sound and are eager to synthesize the best of it for you.

H’s unique talent for mixing in mono is in full force. The track lists over a dozen instruments, including several bells, whistles, and the laughter of a child – Louis Tomlinson’s son. Like Brian Wilson and Phil Spector both before and alongside him, H embraces the wall of sound approach, doubling or tripling instruments on Capitol’s dime. Alongside the typical session musicians - Carol Kaye, as always, is a standout bassist - Mitch Rowland and Sarah Jones fill in on the guitar and drums, respectively.

“‘Seeking Some Sunshine’ was a real ‘everything but the kitchen sink’ track,” says H. “We wrote the core of it on a long car ride from New York City to California – Mitch, Sarah, and me in the spring of 1965. Then we recorded instrumentals, neat and tidy, with the Wrecking Crew that summer. Those sessions really made the record what it was. When the Dunes returned from touring in Japan that August, we recorded their vocals in studio. They brought fresh ideas along with their voices so - those got incorporated too.”

These “fresh ideas” were to become a core struggle at the heart of _Light_ . Previously, the bulk of the band’s writing had been subject to everyone’s approval. Now, it seemed, H had created an entire album without them. Louis Tomlinson spearheaded much of this conflict and, unfortunately, was unable to be reached for comment when I mentioned this article would be spending time discussing the uncensored version of _Light_. However, Niall Horan was willing to fill in some of the blanks on the rift between the two members.

“H - and Louis either shared the same brain or they didn’t as writers. A lot of the time, Louis viewed H-’s exploration of the unfamiliar as his attempt to wrest control of the writing away from him. On ‘Seeking Some Sunshine,’ Louis felt like he was in familiar territory. They had a lot of fun on that one and played off of each other. Some of the other tracks. . .not so much.”

The joy is palpable in ‘Seeking Some Sunshine.’ Lyrically, it reflects contrasting themes of old settings and new beginnings. The narrator desires to ‘go home’ even while hungry for ‘new faces’ and ‘new friends.’ One can’t help but wonder what the Sand Dunes thought when H urged them to sing with feeling about ‘losing three and gaining two.’

“Personally, I thought H - might have lost his mind,” says Niall. 

**Left Unsaid**

‘Left Unsaid’ is a deceptively simple track in comparison to the record’s strong opener. The listener is pulled into a state of contemplation - the sea as an entity of melancholy. Here, we catch a glimpse of the flip side of ‘Sunshine’s joy. The narrator is intimidated by their new beginnings and frightened of their own vulnerability and visceral humanity. They connect with the silent grief of nature - the loss of the tide and the waning of the moon. Yet there is comfort in this shared knowledge of the things left unsaid.

In contrast to the opening track, the input from the other Sand Dunes is sparse. Stray harmonies here and there prop up H’s voice, but this is ultimately H’s show. He shows off his range - an impressive three octaves, at that point - by starting low and ending high. Today, the song (when played live) is pushed towards the end by Ny Oh’s fluttering soprano rather than a male tenor. This replacement of a male tenor voice with a female voice is common when any of H’s Sand Dunes songs are on tour.

“It just seemed like the natural progression,” says H. “Ny has a beautiful voice - she deserved to be featured properly in the setlist.”

Ny Oh, herself a long-time H Styles fan before joining the band, offers a little more insight into this adapational choice.

“I never really asked to be featured in the set. The notes became hard for H to hit around 2005 - think that was the first tour we traveled as the ‘H. Styles Band’ instead of as CHASMN. The ‘New Beginnings’ tour, I think it was. He asked me if I was comfortable with singing ‘Left Unsaid’ as though I hadn’t fallen in love with the song a decade earlier in my bedroom long before we even met. I said sure, so we’ve been performing that way ever since,” she says with a little smile. 

The standout of ‘Left Unsaid’s instrumentation is its use of percussion. Here, there is a level of calculation in the noisemaking, a reverence for the subtle sounds of nature. The wash of the tide and the pitter-patter of rain flow under the voices of H and the Sand Dunes. The finale’s cresting wave seems to pull the narrator’s melancholy with it into the sea. 

**Pretty (I See You) [alt title: Pretty for You]**

‘Pretty (I See You)’ is, in layman’s terms, a bop. It was first demoed as ‘Sha-La-La’ for 1963’s _Golden State Summer_ before ultimately being scrapped during a rather heated Sand Dunes recording session in late 1962. Left to his own devices, H pulled the song back out of the vault. Mitch Rowland recalls operating as a sounding board for ‘Pretty (I See You)’ as well as numerous other songs on _Light._

“H and I both came to California with notebooks of songs that, for whatever reason, weren’t working. Sometimes we’d talk them through when we were hitting a wall with new stuff. With ‘Sha-La-La,’ H said that he’d never been happy with the lyrics, which made it hard to fight for the song once conflict about it came up in the studio. So, we tried to find lyrics that matched how passionate he felt about the song,” says Mitch.

H’s first attempt at a total rewrite, demoed as ‘Pretty for You,’ far improves upon ‘Sha-La-La’s lyrics. Originally a song about teenage love and pining, ‘Pretty for You’ becomes a manifesto about transforming oneself for a lover. The narrator’s object of affection is de-gendered but the narrator is very much not. Lines like _fell for someone just like me/he she ours we_ and _wanna be pretty for you_ speak powerfully to a desire that goes beyond sexuality and into the realm of gender transformation. 

Unfortunately, the Sand Dunes took issue with the unearthing of ‘Sha-La-La’ from the collective vault upon their return from Japan. Louis Tomlinson was the partial author of ‘Sha-La-La’s original lyrics, and he disliked the erasure of his contributions to the song. 

In a controversial 2001 interview with _Rolling Stone_ , Liam Payne discussed the past and present of the highly contested tune.

“Louis thought H- might have turned ‘Sha-La-La’ into ‘Pretty’ out of spite. He accused H- in studio of doing it to laugh at him which killed a whole day of recording time. In the end, they spent a long weekend in H-‘s basement, going through _Light’s_ lyrics and, you know, cleaning some of them up to make them less funny. We had to re-record a handful of songs after that long weekend but it was worth it because after those sessions the songs were a lot better. It’s weird to me now that H- seems to be performing changed-up lyrics at his concerts because I prefer the official ones, honestly,” said Liam.

It’s true that the censored lyrics aren’t necessarily inferior. 1966’s ‘Pretty (I See You)’ is not devoid of ambiguity, the queer ‘je ne sais quoi’ at the heart of many of H’s songs with the Sand Dunes. The narrator becomes fixated on their lover, amazed by the fluidity and grace of femininity. Feminine imagery pervades the text - the draw of a ‘sweet summer dress,’ the ‘scent of a daisy behind your ear,’ the distant longing of ‘pretty. . .I see you.’ One does not sense the girl as an object of a desire in and of herself. Rather, it is what makes up the girl that has the narrator so entranced.

Sonically, the song is incredibly similar to the original ‘Sha-La-La’ though the Wrecking Crew’s expertise outstrips the 1962’s instrumentation by a mile. Hal Blaine takes lead in primary percussion so that Sarah Jones can augment it with a sharp _whap! whap! whap!_ on the tambourine. Tommy Tedesco takes lead on electric guitar with Mitch Rowland playing acoustic underneath, keeping the feverish pace. Zayn Malik makes a surprise appearance, dancing deftly across the keys as if to show off that he’s been practicing while he’s been away. Perhaps hindsight is 20/20, but one can’t help but feel as though the jaunty beat is hiding the deep undercurrent of queer longing that H wished to share with the world.

“I really like that song - all the versions of it,” says H. “Would I say it has some sort of dark undercurrent. . .well, it’s a song about desire, which is always a bit primal, when it comes down to it. The feeling of wanting - it’s buried deep in your brain. However people want to interpret that is up to them.”

The trans flags H has draped over the microphone during the song’s instrumental solos since 2010 may assist in this interpretation.

**Because You Want It**

In contrast to ‘Pretty (I See You),’ the album’s fourth track, ‘Because You Want It’ pulls the listener in with its slow pace. The narrator’s anxiety, ever-present in the first three tracks, gives way to acceptance of the unknown. There is a power deference to a presumed greater knowledge of a lover with the song trailing off into a litany - _because you want it. . .because you want it. . .because you want it._ Themes of self-discovery pervade - though notably, ‘Because You Want It’ was never censored. One gets the feeling that the song holds back not out of fear, but privacy. The sensuality here is sacred, and thus it is partly concealed.

H hands over the lead to Liam Payne on this track, allowing the melody to glide across Liam’s bright vocals. The voice track is doubled brilliantly, Liam enunciating different syllables on each take to produce a more complex sound. Behind him, H, Louis, and Niall’s vocals ebb and flow. Crucially, the song operates in two keys, the bass guitar and baritone vocals at odds with the overlay of tack piano, guitar, and a lovely, jazzy saxophone. One cannot help but notice that it is H’s raspy baritone humming alongside Louis’ bass guitar, itself an insistence based around the idea that, as a band, they should play their own instruments. There is obvious tension here, a wrestle for control baked into the text.

‘Because You Want It’ was retooled for 1991’s ‘Roses and Thorns’ tour and has stuck to that version ever since. Little has changed, save for its more simplistic arrangement and the pronoun changes in each verse. The song is no longer only aimed at ‘she/hers/herself’ but a ‘he/him/himself’ as well. It suggests an equitable polyamorous situation rather than a love triangle. Debate has raged ever since about who, exactly, this polycule includes. 

In a 1995 interview with _Rolling Stone_ , H discussed speculation about his love life in relation to his music.

“It’s always a bit weird when people are clamouring to know exactly who a song is about. When you’re writing a song, there’s a lot of self-absorption there, because you spend so much time with it and spend so much money on it in the studio. So to claim, ‘Oh, this song is about someone else,’ isn’t really the whole truth. The song you end up making is always ultimately about yourself, with maybe a bit of universal truth slipped in if you can pull back and see outside of the limited perspective it takes to write an album from start to finish,” he said.

Whether or not this answer is satisfactory is up to the reader to decide. At the time of this writing, nobody is spilling the beans so - pick the take that suits you and toss out the rest.

**Adam Eve & the Tree [alt title: Adam, Eve, the Snake, & the Tree]**

"Adam Eve & the Tree" is H's first foray into psychedelic rock - one of many songs about hallucinogen use in his long career. As previously shown, H is notoriously cagey about giving exact answers to the meaning behind his songs. However, he has been very open about incorporating mushrooms and LSD into his creative process, both as a creative suggestion and as a warning about potential overuse or abuse.

“I’ve seen a lot of people gain so much from the use of drugs for creativity,” says H. “I’ve also seen people fall into the deepest holes of their lives from overuse. Balance, I think, is important. Having friends who don’t talk you into using too much. I’ve been very lucky to always have friends like that.”

As discussed by other music historians (most authoritatively in 1999’s _The Sand Dunes Anthology_ ), H’s usage of the word “always” may be doing some heavy lifting depending upon whether or not one considers alcohol a drug. Nevertheless, H’s first time being exposed specifically to mushrooms occurred midway through the initial writing sessions with Mitch Rowland and Sarah Jones in 1965. Many of the scribbled notes of these sessions were taken by Sarah Jones, who was considered to have the best handwriting.

_Adam and Eve, the rib of a woman from the man, put it back and what do you get, something in between. Did the snake come before this could happen, to steal this transformation away. Is this the true origin of shame, the separation without reunion into one flesh._

_But then why is it even Adam and Eve, where is the origin of that, would there be temptation to even eat fruit if there were - you know. Maybe another Adam, another Eve. Or someone in between to join them._

_Violin - triplet of high G, then descend in an arpeggio._

_Ravi Shankar should play sitar, is he in town?_

_Cowbell. Beat - eighth eighth eighth eighth. Figure out time signature later._

The original track, dubbed ‘Adam, Eve, the Snake, & the Tree’ is reflective of these transgressive ideas. It is a smorgasbord of queer themes - the _rough arms of Adam round my chest_ , the _apple-red lipstick smeared up to my cheek_ , a smooth croon on _your bones in my body/I feel you there_. A range of unorthodox instruments blend together on the track - sitar, sleigh bells, flicked plastic bottles, and traditional electric guitar among many others. Even devoid of the Sand Dunes’ harmonies, the demo is gorgeous. It also was quite obviously never built to last. Such a transgressive song was a guaranteed career death sentence, a fact that the Sand Dunes reminded H of upon their return.

In a candid 1992 interview with _GQ_ , Louis Tomlinson discussed his perspective on H’s drug use during the production of _Light_ as well as the censorship of ‘Adam, Eve, the Snake, & the Tree.’

“In H-’s last tour with us before leaving to go make _Light_ , he was _very_ judgemental about anyone using _any_ substances - weed, alcohol, everything. Had recently gotten out of the partying lifestyle and thought everyone else should too. Caused a lot of tension, honestly. We were all shocked to find he’d gotten into mushrooms while we were away. And on top of that he was using them to write the most ridiculous, obscene lyrics we’d ever heard. I can barely believe he’s touring with them now,” he said. 

It is an undeniable fact that the original lyrics to what would become ‘Adam, Eve, and the Tree’ are superior to the bowdlerized version. At every turn, the song is censored. Adam becomes Eve; lipstick is on _her_ cheek; her _body_ is in my body. The final version is nevertheless gorgeous, voices overlapping, swelling into deep crescendos before pulling back into sharp decrescendos. 

Whether a completed arrangement was worth it if it meant sacrificing the true meaning of the song is up for each listener to decide. 

**Stay, Baby**

Few other one-word descriptors suffice to explain the energy of ‘Stay, Baby’ except _horny._ ‘Stay, Baby’ is so confident in its unabashed horny energy that one may wonder if H believed he invented the concept of horniness with this song. In contrast to the softly sensual ‘Because You Want It,’ ‘Stay, Baby’ is unafraid of its own sexuality. _Stay, baby, the night with me/one, two, three._ Still, H resists the urge to get _too_ explicit. This is not a play-by-play of sexual acts, but an invitation to four minutes of raw desire. 

Deliciously, the music fills in the horny gaps where the lyrics don’t reach. Saxophones and trumpets whine with lust. Hal Blaine bangs an enormous drum, the rhythm reminiscent of a heartbeat. Niall Horan takes the lead, inhaling sharp breaths here and there. His voice carries the song all on its own.

“I actually fought for that one to stay as it was,” says Niall. “H- showed it to me before anyone else, saying that I would be singing on the lead. When Louis and H- came back from their rewrite session, I said, ‘Why did you rewrite this?’ Because the original version really wasn’t bad in comparison to the other songs that got rewritten. Louis got in sort of a stormy mood over that one but by that point he had noticed the bill going up every day we were stalling in studio so - we kept it as it was.”

On tour, Ny Oh makes use of her electric keyboard to replicate the brass section found in the original song. H’s voice, always prone to a rock-and-roll growl, turns the song rougher just by virtue of being himself. Other than this, little has changed for tour - an obvious departure from the norm.

“We love this one!” says H in a 2001 recording. “If you know the words - please, love it with us tonight.”

**Light**

‘Light’ opens the B-side of _Light_ , setting the tone for the entire back half of the album. It sits in clear contrast to the A-side opener, ‘Seeking Some Sunshine,’ whose ideas about sunshine and connection and home now seem small in comparison to new lyrics about the transcendent awesomeness of love. _Light_ has given the listener plenty of information as to what led to this utter _revelation_ – and yet hearing the outcome only makes the listener want to know more about what inspired this piece of music. Naturally, ‘Light’ has been analyzed so thoroughly by musicians, fans, pop culture scholars, and conspiracy theorists that it’s difficult to summarize it in a way that adds anything to the discourse.

“When we were writing ‘Light’, we weren’t thinking – ‘oh, in fifty years people are going to be talking about what this means.’ We made the music we wanted to hear, and sometimes it just sounded like that,” says H.

The way it sounds can only be described as a ray of light bursting through the clouds. H, Niall, Louis, and Liam fall into four-part harmonies, the sound of which has been fattened by subsequent recordings of the same harmonies. They are eventually joined by strings, woodwinds, and some spare percussion before the track fades out, almost embarrassed of how much it has shown its own hand. 

To date, three authorized versions of ‘Light’ exist - the 1966 demo, the 1966 release, and the version performed live by CHASMN since the year 2000. CHASMN significantly retooled the song prior to 2000’s ‘Traveling CHASMN’ tour, interspersing 1966’s recorded harmonies with a more acoustic, mixed-voice arrangement that included new lyrics. Fortunately, the first reveal of this arrangement of ‘Light’ was caught on tape.

“I just want everyone in this room to feel okay,” H says shakily into the microphone. The room goes silent - a rarity at H’s concerts. He gives off a little smile, seeming both encouraged by and scared of the crowd’s reverence. “This song. . .it’s about feeling okay for the first time. If you haven’t been there, I hope this can get you there for a little while.”

2000’s version of ‘Light’ is more explicit than 1966’s, throwing in a ‘fucking’ and a ‘fuck’ that crack against his voice on each recording. Here - _and I’m wearing my dress_ versus the censored demo’s _and I’m wearing your dress_ and the original release’s _and I’m feeling the best._ There - _and he’s in my bed_ // _and he’s in my head_ // _and she’s in my head_. 

“Mitch and I worked a lot on this track - the original and the retooling of it,” says Sarah Jones. “We always tried, even when we couldn’t say exactly what we wanted, to never tell a lie in the music. So, when the time came to fix it up for a new tour, we all agreed that we were ready to tell the whole truth.”

The rewrite wasn’t only lyrical. 2000’s ‘Light’ extended its run time to allow each member of the band time to shine - an obvious embrace of each member’s unique skill set and intense fan base. H’s chosen family is as talented as his original studio team, and he wants you to know that he thinks so.

“I really liked that we added a guitar solo. That was pretty groovy,” says Mitch Rowland. 

**You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away**

After the intensity of ‘Light,’ H wisely tosses in a cover to allow the audience to breathe. This is a throughline throughout side B of the album. H intuits the more intense songs on side B need to be broken up by tracks that require a little less thought in order to let the material breathe. This notoriously good pacing on H’s records has been a topic of discussion since the 70s, when rock tastemakers decided he was an artist worth taking seriously. H laid out his decision making process in a 1972 chat with _Rolling Stone_.

“A good album should behave like a gentle tide. You have to pay attention to where it crests and where it falls so that people can really process what they’ve heard. Best to strike a happy medium by contrasting the songs against one another, if you want to be an albums artist rather than just producing and compiling singles,” he said.

The Sand Dunes, themselves singles artists at this point, took this as deliberate provocation. The next month, an “anonymous” letter to the editor (later revealed to be Louis Tomlinson) appeared in Rolling Stone.

_Rolling Stone,_

_It is apaling [sic] what counts for music journalism these days. Allowing a high profile artist like H- Styles to denecrate [sic] the work of hardworking musicians when he can barely put out an album every 3 years is sickening. He has allowed fame to get to his head and seems to have forgotten where he came from. A whole band full of singles writers. Proffitting [sic] off the backs of many other people. Shame on him for what he said and shame on you for printing it._

_-Frustrated in California_

H, to his credit, never responded negatively to the provocation.

“I was never trying to insult them. They’re all great musicians who put out really good songs after we split. I felt like the industry was moving in a different direction - not just for the Dunes, but for all of the American groups who were putting out compilation albums of their singles. It was fine with me that they seemed to disagree. If they wanted to go back to recording the way we did on our first two albums, that’s their decision. Who am I to judge?” he says.

**Apple**

‘Apple’ is a curious song in that it’s not totally accurate to call it a ‘song.’ Rather, it is an entirely instrumental track - the only one on _Light_ without vocals. Mitch Rowland, ever the multi-instrumentalist, had a large hand in making this track what it was.

“Sometimes I just get a sort of feeling and suddenly I can just hear. . .everything,” he says. “With _Apple_ , all I could think of was the wind in my hair while driving. I had these chimes outside of the condo I was renting when we were in California and they’d make noise when the wind blew. It seemed like they knew just how I felt.”

The result is a wholly lovely track that perfectly reflects the feeling of a summer day without a care in the world. Summer love radiates out of every instrument, producing a heady, romantic feeling. Unusually, Mitch himself plays numerous instruments on the track.

“Nobody else could play it like he played it. His demos really were - and still are - just that good,” says H.

**Que Sera Sera**

It is a curious quirk of history that the Sand Dunes’ cover of Doris Day’s ‘Que Sera Sera’ was the single that was ultimately released from _Light_. It’s unclear whether the original intent was to make the song masculine for audience consumption or if H intended to be transgressive by not changing the pronouns at all. Regardless, the choice to gender the song masculine was made before the Sand Dunes returned from Japan. It is up for debate whether or not this had anything to do with a phone call H received around this point in time alerting him of their imminent return.

The cover, of course, is gorgeous. It is far more complex than the original, splitting into four part harmonies with different boys taking the lead throughout the song. H utilizes woodwinds - particularly the piccolo and flute - to infuse the song with a femininity absent from the lyrics. 

On tour, H never changes the pronouns.

**Our Little World (Under the Moon)**

The final song on light, ‘Under the Moon,’ is as intense as the opener of side B. As the song opens with electrifying, futuristic sounds, one becomes glad for the covers and instrumentals that cushion the place between ‘Light’ and ‘Under the Moon.’ There is a radical hopefulness here that takes the listener aback. Here - _hope the future accepts us/the way that we deserve_ . There - _one day I see us/outside our little world/under the moon_. The lyrics don’t reference a specific queerness, and yet queer hope and longing is infused into every note of the song. At the end of the narrator’s journey, there is a new beginning.

‘Under the Moon’ heavily utilizes the electro-theremin as well as whispered words to give the song an extraterrestrial feel. Knowledge of this instrument can be sourced back to Mitch, a connoisseur of rare synth instruments at the time. 

“A friend of mine introduced me to Dr. Paul Tanner, the creator of the electro-theremin, and I brought news of it back to H. When H saw it, he went wild for it. We didn’t know what track we would use it for at first, but it wasn’t long into the writing process of ‘Our Little World’ that it became clear we should use it there. Something that sounded a little alien seemed to fit the themes of the song.”

Presumably, Mitch is referring to the theme of alienation inherent in this radical hopefulness. Perhaps the narrator and their companions may be accepted in the future, but they aren’t accepted _now_. This is the eternal queer compromise in hope for a better future - finding pride in one’s isolation, and hoping every day that one might not be isolated anymore.

To represent these conflicted feelings, the song starts off in a minor key, switches to major in the middle, and falls back into minor at the end. H takes lead vocals, pouring his heart out in one of his best ever vocal performances. The other boys pop in and out here and there, echoing H rather than adding anything of their own.

Unsurprisingly, the queerness that infused the piece sent Louis into a tizzy. H recalls fighting (and winning) his version of the piece in his writing sessions with Louis.

“We were sat next to each other and I remember him pointing his pencil at the title. He said, ‘We need to change this. There’s something wrong with this one.’ I said, ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’ even though I did. He knew that I did and I remember - he crossed out the title. He said ‘All of this is wrong. We can’t do any of it. It’s obscene.’ I said ‘What’s so obscene about it? You can’t find anything wrong, so what’s the problem?’ He didn’t have a clear answer for me so - he circled it, grumbling, and said it could stay. But he never recorded on that track - not a single note. Never has toured with it either - not once. A shame because it really is a crowd favorite. But. . .that’s his business, not mine.”

**Conclusions**

Any song-by-song analysis of an album is inherently limiting. Though this book obviously contains information on the more technical aspects of _Light_ , it will never be enough to encapsulate the experience of actually _listening_ to _Light_ for the first time as a queer person. So, I close with another anecdote of my own personal experience. 

Long after my relationship with Jen ended, in 2012, I came out as non-binary. I was nearing 40, married to a man, and had children with him. He was (and is) a wonderful partner to me - but something was missing. I found myself rewatching old VHS tapes of _Light_ that I had saved for so many years that they were in very poor condition. 

There was a certain kinship that I felt with H that I couldn’t put my finger on. It wasn’t until I stumbled upon a fan forum for the band that I saw someone suggest he was non-binary. I read about the experiences of other people on the forum, and a light went off inside of my head. From then on, it was like looking through the glass rather than watching a screen. Though I hadn’t gone in years, I went to a _H Styles Band_ concert. I also called Jen for the first time in five years and I said - _we should go_. So, we went.

H was old, but still lively, in 2012 - just as he is now. He draped himself with flags like he had since 2000, though he could no longer run around with them and had to sit down a few times. We weren’t in the front row so he couldn’t see us. I couldn’t bear the thought of him seeing me, of him knowing that I understood we were the same. It felt too intimate, too precious, and I didn’t want what we had to break.

Several songs before the end of the set, H paused to speak to the audience. He toyed around with the front row, bending down and complaining about his back. Then, he spoke.

“There are a lot of people who need love tonight. Who need to be understood. One of the most wonderful things in life is true human connection.”

Jen, who had also come out as non-binary since we had last spoken, squeezed my hand.

“I don’t know what your life is like outside of this room. But in here, I want you to know that I love you. I want you to feel the love in this room tonight - not just mine, but each other’s. In here, there is love and understanding - that you give me and that you give each other. Thank you for giving love. It is all we have, in the end.”

Then, H segued into ‘Our Little World (Under the Moon).’ At the first note of the electro-theremin, happy tears welled up in my eyes. For the first time in ages, I didn’t feel confused or scared about my future. All I felt was hope.

**Author's Note:**

> Seeking Some Sunshine: Be My Baby; Here Comes the Sun  
> Left Unsaid: Lonely Sea  
> Pretty (I See You): Why Do Fools Fall In Love; Diamond Head  
> Because You Want It: God Only Knows; Surf’s Up  
> Adam, Eve, & the Tree: Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds; I Know There’s An Answer  
> Stay, Baby: Woman  
> Light: Our Prayer; She  
> You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away: You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away  
> Apple: Let’s Go Away For A While; When the Day Met the Night  
> Que Sera Sera: Que Sera Sera  
> Our Little World (Under the Moon): I Just Wasn’t Made For These Times; Wild Honey
> 
> Citations:  
>  **How to Write about Music** ed. By Marc Woodworth & Ally-Jane Grossan  
> -Excerpt: Kim Cooper on Neutral Milk Hotel; 33 1/3 Vol #29; In the Aeroplane Over the Sea  
>  **Wouldn’t It Be Nice: Brian Wilson and the Making of the Beach Boys’ Pet Sounds** by Charles L. Granata  
>  **Catch a Wave: The Rise, Fall, & Redemption of the Beach Boys’ Brian Wilson** by Peter Ames Carlin  
>  **Pet Sounds: Live** https://youtu.be/oaYs_zECQaQ  
>  **The Wrecking Crew** \- Directed by Denny Tedesco  
>  **Love & Mercy**\- Directed by Bill Pohlad


End file.
